Dear Father

Looking back,

I can only see the little child who sought and craved your attention.

Waiting by the door wondering when you'll be back, until she fell asleep.

Shopping list stayed the same for years, no need for a new one

Dad barely glanced at the last one.

Sitting by mother's phone, waiting to hear your voice.

To reply "yes daddy!" to every question and everything you'd say.

Waiting to leave mother's room with a wide grin, no one could dampen.

None of my letters were delivered.

Mother herself could not believe what she read.

We laugh over it now.

 For that little girl who was dying,

To let her father know her thoughts...shall we laugh again?

But then,

Mother was always available, telling me not to worry

You would come, she told me

He missed the flight this time, she said

He's tied at work, I heard her say

He has a lot of responsibilities, come to me and don't bother him

I knew she would not understand

I mean, she didn't understand

But she did, she fought her own tears

Her heart in pieces, she roamed for days...a person devoid of soul

Where was her better half?

Who had sworn eternity

And now

I think I understand. But I don't. I still don't

Mother said forgive

I see a man who played his games. Is successful. famous and reverenced

No matter how many times they say it doesn't matter

It does.

Looking ahead,

Some day you'll be back

Back to what you left behind

An empty home, a child who wouldn't know you, a woman who wouldn't recognize you

Tell me father...what do you feel?

To fill that void, you must empty and strip yourself

I see a man with blank eyes. A cold heart. Angry. Scared.

You see father

That's the price you  must pay

Going through eternity...an empty man, bereft

No one to blame father

No one but you.